Dear body

Dear body,

I don’t know if we’ve ever been on the same wavelength. I wanted something from you and now you want something from me and I don’t know what that is. You never knew what that was. I don’t know how to bridge this divide.

Dear body,

You are so much smaller than three months ago and everyone is claiming relapse but you are claiming pain. I don’t know how to fix the pain. I don’t know how to show others that it is the pain. And I am angry that I am still not trusted because of you.

Dear body,

I blamed you for everything and I don’t know what you ever did to deserve that in the first place.

Dear body, 

I am still blaming you. I don’t know how to stop.

Dear body, 

If anything I ever did to you felt the way this does, please know that I didn’t mean it. Please know I didn’t know what I was doing. Please know I didn’t have another way out. Please know I am trying my best to make it better.

Dear body,

I feel betrayed. If this is your way of retaliating, that’s reasonable, but I feel so helpless right now. If you felt the same I want you to know now I understand. I understand.

Dear body, 

I am sorry I have separated you from me. We’re one being. I am mine, including you. We are mine. But it is easier to say I’m mad at you than I’m mad at me because I still struggle with taking responsibility for my part in our relationship. 

Dear body,

I’m mad at you. I don’t want to be. You don’t deserve it. But that’s the only way I can get through this.

Dear body,

I have a million things I need to get done and laying on the couch isn’t one of them. But then again, you never had injuries and starvation on your list so my anger is not justified.

Dear body,

I am so sorry. 

Dear body, 

I am still learning. 

Dear body,

I don’t expect forgiveness to be easy. 

Dear body,

Please. Please forgive me. 

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