I have tried so hard for so long to be “hard.” To make myself a person that does not care about anything. To make myself a person that doesn’t feel anything in a manner that would actually hurt me.
The thing is, I have always been a person that feels a lot. I have always been a person that feels deeply and loves with my whole heart. I have always been concerned with the well-being of my friends, family, the entire universe honestly.
My eating disorder, my self-harm, and my addiction were all ways to make myself numb and unfeeling. They all distracted me from the pain of actually dealing with the way I felt about anything in my life.
Now, without them, I still find myself wanting to be a person that does not show the softness of my existence. I have finally figured out that this is solely based in fear. I am afraid of the way people could hurt me if they knew that I cared about everything. Which isn’t an understatement, by the way. I literally have some form of feeling or opinion about everything that happens in life.
It’s hard to feel so deeply, in general, but it is even harder to be afraid to show this to other people. I don’t want people to know that I am kind and caring because it makes me uncomfortable that they could hurt me. It makes me uncomfortable that anyone could use my own existence against me.
The truth is, my anxiety is telling me people will be awful if I am as I am. And in the same truth, my anxiety is lying to me.
When I was numbing myself with behavior use, my anxiety was lying to me. Now, my anxiety is still lying to me.
The people that know me and enjoy my presence know me as the human being that I actually am. They know that I am kind and compassionate, and would go to the end of the Earth for them.
And guess what? THEY LOVE ME ANYWAYS.
The beauty in being soft is reclaiming it. Being soft is not negative, it is a strength. There is beauty in showing people that I care for them, showing the world that I care for it, and showing myself that I care for me.
I have come across so many bumps in the road to recovery, and I have gotten past so many of them. This is another bump, getting over the fear of feeling the way I do.
The journey doesn’t end. I’m always trying to become the person that I never thought I would be. In a sense, I have already accomplished that, but there is always room for improvement.
I will be the person I never thought I would be, and I will allow myself to feel things the way I do: deeply and with my whole heart.