As of today, it has officially been two years since I was discharged from my last treatment center.
To be quite honest, this is not a milestone date that I always thought I would reach. There were times in the last two years that I thought I would be back in treatment at some point, and there were times where my treatment team thought I would be back in treatment at some point.
But here I am, still outpatient.
Recovery is not always easy, and I definitely have not been relapse-free for two years. But when I was discharged two years ago today, I told myself I wanted to be a different person. I wanted to be a person that could hang out with my friends and eat dinner at some unknown restaurant. I wanted to be a person that could enjoy physical activity without fixating on the calories. I wanted to be someone who didn’t sit and hate themselves constantly.
Today I went rock climbing with a friend, not because I wanted to punish my body, but because it’s something I love and my body can do. I went to dinner and ate raviolis with my friends at a restaurant I’ve never been to before, and then we followed it with ice cream. I may not be the most self-positive person ever, but I am working towards being my own biggest fan which is a journey in and of itself.
I’m not a person that I expected myself to ever become. I wanted to, but I didn’t think I could. Despite that, I was the one that picked myself up off the floor and put myself in bed when my world felt like it was falling apart. I tried to keep doing the next right thing, and even when it didn’t work, I tried again.
I am still outpatient because I have worked so incredibly hard to be outpatient, and for that reason I am proud of myself. I made a commitment to myself when I left my last treatment center that I would put my effort into recovery and even when I couldn’t, I got the support I needed in order to be able to do so.
It’s almost strange to me that I have grown so close to being the person I want to be. In knowing this, I also know that this is not something that’s over. It isn’t something that I can just be relaxed about.
If I don’t continue to choose recovery, my life won’t look the way it does right now. I have to make the choice everyday, sometimes multiple times a day.
I want the life I’m living right now, and I will do anything to hold onto it. Luckily for me, that means taking care of myself. It isn’t easy, but I am proud of myself every time I do. I know I’m growing every time I choose to care for myself, and I will continually grow as long as I continue to care for me.